Royksopp - Remind Me

What more can I do????

Life is coming at me so fast. I just don't know what to do. I think that everyone goes through this and it's not an uncommon feeling for one to have in the course of just living. Things went downhill really fast when the love of my life told me that she might want to be single. How I stayed calm about it, I have yet to figure it out, but I was totally devastated. I really don't see myself without her or being without her. This is not the first time this has come up, but I don't know what to do. Am I holding her back from moving on, out of my life? Am I forcing her to stay because she feels that she is hurting my feeling? Or is it all me? Am I a bad boyfriend that holds her back from doing what she wants to do? Have I truly lost her for good and she's just going along with the relationship out of habit or because she is used to me just being around? My mind thinks about this and much more every second of the day since early that morning. I don't know what else I can do. I don’t know if what I am doing is holding her back from being happy. I'm truly hurt about this whole thing but I'm not letting my emotions get the best of me. Later that morning, I picked her up and we talked over breakfast and went to my house to talk some more. I did feel a little better after talking to her about some stuff. We both have stuff we need to work on and we talked about it. Hopefully everything will turn out ok because it would tear me up if I ever lost her. She means so much to me and she's been there for me when nobody else was. She has keep me going and has helped me along with some of the most difficult times in my life. She has made me a better person and I am truly indebted to her for that. She is truly the love of my life and I would love to spend the rest of my life with her. I want her to be my wife; the one I come home to and tell how my day went; the one the to be the mother of my kids; the one to pick me up when I'm am down. She's it for me.

I know this is still fresh on both of our minds but I'm doing my best not to think about it too much. I got her some flowers today just to say 'I Love You', and it really made her day. I was happy to see her because I'm so happy when we're together. I know I got a lot of work to do in the next couple of weeks and I don't what her to feel that what's going on has pushed me away from her and that I don't want to be with her. I will see her sometime tomorrow night to watch our shows and we might talk some more but I think enough was said.

I'm excited for Christmas!! (onto a brighter note) I went shopping last Friday and got almost everything I needed. I can't wait till people open my gifts. I think Ash and her mom will both like what I got them. I just got a few things to get form my mom and dad, but it shouldn't be hard. I'm also looking for a job and I think I might have on. I'm not going to tell Ash until I really get it. I need it, we're going on a cruise in May and I'm already in dept so there's no need to dig myself into a whole. If I do get a job, I will keep it throughout next semester since my class schedule is so weird. I look forward to going back to work..... Ash also mentioned us going to some parties so I'm excited about that too.

A Fight, What???

I did have a wonderful weekend with Ashley. It started on Friday when went to see Death Cab in concert at the Fox. It was way better than I expected. I had a lot of fun and I could actually remember some of the song that was being preformed. After the concert we ate a Piebar. I had a white pizza while Ash got pepperoni. It was really good. The restaurant was real futuristic looking and it was in a weird location. Ash slept the whole way home and then asked me if she had feel asleep..... YEAH!!!!!!! lol. When we got back to her place I didn't want to leave, but she was really sleepy and so I just dropped her off. On Saturday, I went and picked her up and we went to Emory to visit a museum. It was ok, but you can't compare it to the ones we saw in Boston. That took up a couple of hours and then we went to Huey's for brunch. That was really good. I enjoyed spending time with Ash and I figured when we got back to her house that she'd send me packing but that wasn't the case. We played around on the couch like old time. Then I helped her find a scene form the movie North Country to collaborate into her group presentation. While watching the movie, she expressed a dire want to go to Macaroni's Grill for dinner. That was cool with me. She even offered to pay. We chilled a little longer and we headed out a little after 9. The service was great and so was the food. I had a little left so got it boxed up to go. When we arrived back to the house, she finished up some work and jumped up in the bed with me. She couldn't keep her eyes open and started falling asleep. I was doing all I could not to fall asleep because her folks still hadn't made it back home. She woke up and we went downstairs were she continued to drift of to sleep. I didn't mind, I was trying to spend as much time with her as I could.

Last night, Ash and me had our first fight in a long time. It was nothing big or anything but it could have been avoided. I got a long apology via an email. It was really sweet and I truly appreciated it. I'm glad she acknowledges how patience I am with stuff. I just don't how much longer I can be like that. I know that before my medication was helping me and it wasn't hard to be patience about stuff. But I'm no longer on anything. I don't want to get back on medication just to keep this relationship going. I was feeling down some last week but I think it was a combination of a lot of stuff going on at once. I really don't want to get on any meds right now. Sometime I really don't know what to do because it seems like everything I do is wrong. I feel like the relationship is somewhat unbalanced with her getting mostly what she wants. No matter, I still question my ability to keep going like I am. I don't want to just snap one day and truly regret whatever happens at that point. I do love Ashley with all my heart and I know that she is the one for me and I'm commented to do whatever it takes to keep this relationship going. After the email, she called me back and we talked on the phone for a good length of time. It felt so good just talking to her about my feelings and stuff cause I haven't done it in along time. I think I haven't sheared my feelings because I don't believe she believes me when I tell her stuff. I don't know what I did to make her second guess everything I say but it really bothers me. I'll get to see her later on tonight and we'll finish our conversation we had last night.

Just Havin Fun with Ash's Hat